EAP: Eastboro Church Ministers to LGBT Departed
EAP: The minister of the Eastboro Church, Fred Heaps, and his congregation have determined that God requires them to minister to dead gays and trans people post burial. Not for them the disrespect for the dear departed during a burial service of the more infamous Westboro Church who were known for taunting surviving relatives and picketing funerals. Said Mr Heaps, "While Westboro may have put the 'fun' into 'funeral' with their recreational harassment, we will be putting the 'fun' into 'fundamentalist' principles of witnessing to sinners in the name of our LORD and Saviour, Jesus Christ, in a way which will be more respectful for the families concerned. We have no issue with surviving relatives, only their fallen loved ones".
He continued, "Rather the Eastboro Church plans to exhume the dead, lift them out of their coffins and help them into a conversion chair, built for the purpose, preached to, and then to baptise in a full size tank of holy water also supplied for the purpose. After this, the grave is filled again and the sodomiser will be stretched out on top of the grave as a respectful gesture to the sinner's family."
When asked a about the cremated departed Mr Heaps indicated that the urn containing the ashes will be recovered "by any means necessary" and because cremation is against God's instructions for the internment of the dead, the baptism of the dead gay will be by urination by a member of the congregation and the urn will be broken to indicate a break with God's law by both the dead gay guy and the surviving family before the shards are respectfully returned by mail to the family. Heaps said, "We hope and pray that the respect we show to the family of the departed will help them heal and allow for closure, and bring them close to Jesus". "We will keep them in our prayers."
EAP followed the congregation on one such mission of respect. Rob Blinco died of complications following heart surgery and was buried by his surviving male partner and family. A lookout gave the word when the last of the mourners has departed. As darkness fell 2 trucks carrying a digger, a tank and the chair drove up followed by the entire congregation. Heaps' son Carl Heaps and nephew Roger Heaps set to work removing the over laying soil until the thud of wood was heard. A gang led by Cory Heaps organised for the recovery of the coffin in what they called a "post burial sacrament" as the dear departed was settled into the chair to receive his post mortem blessing before the corpse was man handled and dumped into the tank. The soil was then restored to the grave site and the dear departed settled on top. EAP have been informed that most members of the congregation were called "Heaps". Fred Heaps thought the post mortem blessing and baptism ceremony had gone well tonight. "It is my privilege to help the victim's family in the way we have", said Heaps.
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Evil Atheist Press February 2019
He continued, "Rather the Eastboro Church plans to exhume the dead, lift them out of their coffins and help them into a conversion chair, built for the purpose, preached to, and then to baptise in a full size tank of holy water also supplied for the purpose. After this, the grave is filled again and the sodomiser will be stretched out on top of the grave as a respectful gesture to the sinner's family."
When asked a about the cremated departed Mr Heaps indicated that the urn containing the ashes will be recovered "by any means necessary" and because cremation is against God's instructions for the internment of the dead, the baptism of the dead gay will be by urination by a member of the congregation and the urn will be broken to indicate a break with God's law by both the dead gay guy and the surviving family before the shards are respectfully returned by mail to the family. Heaps said, "We hope and pray that the respect we show to the family of the departed will help them heal and allow for closure, and bring them close to Jesus". "We will keep them in our prayers."
EAP followed the congregation on one such mission of respect. Rob Blinco died of complications following heart surgery and was buried by his surviving male partner and family. A lookout gave the word when the last of the mourners has departed. As darkness fell 2 trucks carrying a digger, a tank and the chair drove up followed by the entire congregation. Heaps' son Carl Heaps and nephew Roger Heaps set to work removing the over laying soil until the thud of wood was heard. A gang led by Cory Heaps organised for the recovery of the coffin in what they called a "post burial sacrament" as the dear departed was settled into the chair to receive his post mortem blessing before the corpse was man handled and dumped into the tank. The soil was then restored to the grave site and the dear departed settled on top. EAP have been informed that most members of the congregation were called "Heaps". Fred Heaps thought the post mortem blessing and baptism ceremony had gone well tonight. "It is my privilege to help the victim's family in the way we have", said Heaps.
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Evil Atheist Press February 2019
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