Conclave lays an egg - what is that?
This is another EAP piece I wrote in 2005 for alt.atheism.
Rome April 19 EAP. Following the death of Pope John Paul II several weeks before on April 2 115 cardinals gathered at the Sistine Chapel to create another pope. After the ancient traditional rituals of prayer and chants the conclave set to work.
As is normal for this rare and sacred ritual an egg the size of an elephant bird's egg being about 30 cm in length and 20 cm in width was brought in and placed in the middle of the chapel exactly under the part of the ceiling where God's finger touches man's finger in a symbolic act of creation - the act of creating a pope being a microcosm of the act of the creation itself.
Initially the egg rolled around in a semicircle and then wobbled back and forth on itself but then the egg sort of lost interest. At this point it is normal for secret rituals to be performed to animate the egg but EAP has been lucky enough to get an inside view of proceedings because fortunately the anti bugging equipment was defective.
What was witnessed were some strange behaviours not normally seen in the princes of the church. First up Cardinal Law stood over the egg and waved his cassock by moving his hips back and forth. Then Cardinal Pell started running up and down the length of the chapel raising his biretta up and down. Then he fixed a pair of roller blades and did circuits of the chapel. Still no response from the egg. At this point Cardinal Arinze and Cardinal Humas broke into a rap dance to the tune of a Gordian Chant blasting out from one of the cardinal's ghetto blaster sitting on the floor. Other cardinals made hooting noises while others joined in with whooshing noises as they ran around waving their cassocks. Cardinal Scola tried blowing on the egg as Cardinal Sodano circled the egg with his hands. Finally the egg started rolling to the gasps of all present. It rolled in a complete circle and made a cracking noise much to the excited anticipation of all. It rolled back and forth leaving bits of shell as it went and then the shell broke away completely.
What was revealed was as surprising as it was shocking. The creature that emerged could not have been loved even by its' mother. One leg was longer than the other, one eye was long and narrow with the other round and offset below the level of the other, scabs mixed with skin, feathers and scales and a walk that looked like it was hoping on a crotchet and a smell described as enough to offend a skunk.
Such was the making of a new pope. A pope who would nonetheless have to be presented as the handiwork of the conclave to the waiting crowds in St Peter's Square. Even dressed in the finest papal vestments the essential ugliness of the creature still shined through. The squawking of doctrines was such as to offend even the least sensitive ears. A sailor was seen to faint in the crowd.
Cardinals leaving the conclave were heard muttering to each other "what the hell was that", "hope we have not given birth to Lucifer's child" and "this creation was born old so at least it won't hang around for too long".
Rome April 19 EAP. Following the death of Pope John Paul II several weeks before on April 2 115 cardinals gathered at the Sistine Chapel to create another pope. After the ancient traditional rituals of prayer and chants the conclave set to work.
As is normal for this rare and sacred ritual an egg the size of an elephant bird's egg being about 30 cm in length and 20 cm in width was brought in and placed in the middle of the chapel exactly under the part of the ceiling where God's finger touches man's finger in a symbolic act of creation - the act of creating a pope being a microcosm of the act of the creation itself.
Initially the egg rolled around in a semicircle and then wobbled back and forth on itself but then the egg sort of lost interest. At this point it is normal for secret rituals to be performed to animate the egg but EAP has been lucky enough to get an inside view of proceedings because fortunately the anti bugging equipment was defective.
What was witnessed were some strange behaviours not normally seen in the princes of the church. First up Cardinal Law stood over the egg and waved his cassock by moving his hips back and forth. Then Cardinal Pell started running up and down the length of the chapel raising his biretta up and down. Then he fixed a pair of roller blades and did circuits of the chapel. Still no response from the egg. At this point Cardinal Arinze and Cardinal Humas broke into a rap dance to the tune of a Gordian Chant blasting out from one of the cardinal's ghetto blaster sitting on the floor. Other cardinals made hooting noises while others joined in with whooshing noises as they ran around waving their cassocks. Cardinal Scola tried blowing on the egg as Cardinal Sodano circled the egg with his hands. Finally the egg started rolling to the gasps of all present. It rolled in a complete circle and made a cracking noise much to the excited anticipation of all. It rolled back and forth leaving bits of shell as it went and then the shell broke away completely.
What was revealed was as surprising as it was shocking. The creature that emerged could not have been loved even by its' mother. One leg was longer than the other, one eye was long and narrow with the other round and offset below the level of the other, scabs mixed with skin, feathers and scales and a walk that looked like it was hoping on a crotchet and a smell described as enough to offend a skunk.
Such was the making of a new pope. A pope who would nonetheless have to be presented as the handiwork of the conclave to the waiting crowds in St Peter's Square. Even dressed in the finest papal vestments the essential ugliness of the creature still shined through. The squawking of doctrines was such as to offend even the least sensitive ears. A sailor was seen to faint in the crowd.
Cardinals leaving the conclave were heard muttering to each other "what the hell was that", "hope we have not given birth to Lucifer's child" and "this creation was born old so at least it won't hang around for too long".
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