Contact made with Joh from beyond the grave
This is another from 2005 I posted to alt.atheism.
Brisbane April 25 EAP. There was much excitement today as journalists took their seats at the Institute for Afterlife Studies, a body dedicated to sponsoring research into life after death, for what promised to be a spectacular event. It was promised that the late Queensland Premier Joh Bjelke-Petersen would make contact via a clairvoyant. A senor fellow of the institute, Madam Conusall entered the room and took the chair at the guest speaker's table. On the table was a crystal ball covered with a velvet cloth. Madam Conusall started rubbing the ball vigorously. She signaled to an assistant silently to dim the lights. Then to the sudden silence of all present she flung the cloth away.
Mouths opened wide as a clear as video image appeared on the crystal ball and which seemingly gave a nod of recognition to some the the journalists present who had known Joh when he was Premier. And then Madam Conusall started to speak. Processed she started to talk in a deeper voice.
"Well chickens how are you? You've never been given a feed like this before but don't you worry about that. I am very happy now. You may have heard reports of me being in hell and some of you have been dancing in the streets but reports of my toasting were premature. That's just lies from you pinko commie southerners. No I am in the other place and I feel as fit as 35. I'm feeling better than I have for 60 years. Don't you worry about that."
The premier then said he was making contact with lost loved ones. He had met Russ Hinze and thank him for the email Russ had sent from the afterlife. He had tried to make contact with Flo last night but she had not been receptive. After this questions were taken.
The first question was about Al Grasby who had died the same day. "Yes that was all the buzz when I arrived here. Al's dead. Al's dead. That was all I was hearing. Well the news for him is not so good. He went to the other place much to the puzzlement of many in heaven. But don't you worry about that."
The second question was a follow up to this asking why he was there and not Joh. "Well Russ's email basically pointed out the fine print. You have to confess all before dying. Russ made a point of making this clear because that was how he beat the almighty rap. You see Al was a much better human than I was in a thousand ways. He was a force for community and inclusivity whereas I was a force for division and discord. He was committed to people and I was committed to power. I make no bones about that. And perjury is apparently one of the big ones up here and I did tell some big ones in my time. Bearing false witness and then fixing the jury for my trial, or at least others did that for me for denial distance, well that's the sort of stuff that usually sees one go below faster than a bee in a bottle."
"So how did you avoid the rap for that one?" asked another present. "Well I confessed all on my deathbed. Don't you worry about that. You see my little chicken ones life is like a game of football. You can be losing all through the game but if you score the winning point in the last second all the rest doesn't matter. You win. I touched down in the last seconds but Al did not. So you can be as corrupt and compromised as anything, as immoral as a crook but it's all OK if you touch down just before the final siren. Al goes below even though he was decent because he did not make the final touch down."
The next question was about his disregard for human rights. "Don't you worry about that. The kingdom of God is not a democracy. It is a kingdom after all, not a republic and what the king says goes and that is that. If you don't like it go to hell. And that is how I ran Queensland too."
Then came a question of defending apartheid and calling a state of emergency so the Springbok could play. "You, you pinko commies, don't you worry about that. I'm not a racist but Jesus had blue eyes and blond hair and some of my friends are black and goodness gracious me some are up here and very nice folk they are too but you have to understand the commies who were running the townships in South Africa. And South Africa was in danger of those poorer nations coming in and ruining everything. Just look at South Africa today. Crims and losers and all because those pinko commies ruined everything for the black man and the white man. Don't you worry about that."
In answer to a question about banning street marches Joh said "When you got an asp in the shed you chop off its' head. You you pinkos, you commies I knew you were going to ask that. Civil liberties are just a communist plot. But you go to a communist country and you'll see they soon take those away when it suits them. Civil libertarians need a good hiding. A belt buckle. That's what I gave my children and look how well they turned out."
Someone asked a question about Albert Field, the Senate nominee whose appointment against convention led to the fall of the Whitlam government. "Never you mind that. With difficult decisions I like to ask myself what would Joh do or WWJD and I decided I would do anything it took to demolish that gay/lesbian/picko/commie Gough even if it wrecked normal convention. So I found a soft piece of Plasticine and sent it to Canberra. Got gota understand those pinko commies down south. Give them a chance and they'll be off like a bee in a bottle."
"What about the moonlight state, the Fitzgerald commission, and your perjury trial?" Joh answered "You you picko commie, I knew you would ask that. Well it was the thin edge of the wedge. You southerners come up here and tell us how to run our state when we run everything better than Canberra or Sydney. Why do you think retirees come here to retire. You listen to me. You should run everything like we do and you would be better for it."
"Mr Premier what about.." started another question but was interrupted by Joh answering "That's it. No more chicken feed left. All out" That was the last question taken. Madam Conusall thanked us for our attendance. With that the lights came back on and we all shuffled out.
____
Evil Atheist Press
Brisbane April 25 EAP. There was much excitement today as journalists took their seats at the Institute for Afterlife Studies, a body dedicated to sponsoring research into life after death, for what promised to be a spectacular event. It was promised that the late Queensland Premier Joh Bjelke-Petersen would make contact via a clairvoyant. A senor fellow of the institute, Madam Conusall entered the room and took the chair at the guest speaker's table. On the table was a crystal ball covered with a velvet cloth. Madam Conusall started rubbing the ball vigorously. She signaled to an assistant silently to dim the lights. Then to the sudden silence of all present she flung the cloth away.
Mouths opened wide as a clear as video image appeared on the crystal ball and which seemingly gave a nod of recognition to some the the journalists present who had known Joh when he was Premier. And then Madam Conusall started to speak. Processed she started to talk in a deeper voice.
"Well chickens how are you? You've never been given a feed like this before but don't you worry about that. I am very happy now. You may have heard reports of me being in hell and some of you have been dancing in the streets but reports of my toasting were premature. That's just lies from you pinko commie southerners. No I am in the other place and I feel as fit as 35. I'm feeling better than I have for 60 years. Don't you worry about that."
The premier then said he was making contact with lost loved ones. He had met Russ Hinze and thank him for the email Russ had sent from the afterlife. He had tried to make contact with Flo last night but she had not been receptive. After this questions were taken.
The first question was about Al Grasby who had died the same day. "Yes that was all the buzz when I arrived here. Al's dead. Al's dead. That was all I was hearing. Well the news for him is not so good. He went to the other place much to the puzzlement of many in heaven. But don't you worry about that."
The second question was a follow up to this asking why he was there and not Joh. "Well Russ's email basically pointed out the fine print. You have to confess all before dying. Russ made a point of making this clear because that was how he beat the almighty rap. You see Al was a much better human than I was in a thousand ways. He was a force for community and inclusivity whereas I was a force for division and discord. He was committed to people and I was committed to power. I make no bones about that. And perjury is apparently one of the big ones up here and I did tell some big ones in my time. Bearing false witness and then fixing the jury for my trial, or at least others did that for me for denial distance, well that's the sort of stuff that usually sees one go below faster than a bee in a bottle."
"So how did you avoid the rap for that one?" asked another present. "Well I confessed all on my deathbed. Don't you worry about that. You see my little chicken ones life is like a game of football. You can be losing all through the game but if you score the winning point in the last second all the rest doesn't matter. You win. I touched down in the last seconds but Al did not. So you can be as corrupt and compromised as anything, as immoral as a crook but it's all OK if you touch down just before the final siren. Al goes below even though he was decent because he did not make the final touch down."
The next question was about his disregard for human rights. "Don't you worry about that. The kingdom of God is not a democracy. It is a kingdom after all, not a republic and what the king says goes and that is that. If you don't like it go to hell. And that is how I ran Queensland too."
Then came a question of defending apartheid and calling a state of emergency so the Springbok could play. "You, you pinko commies, don't you worry about that. I'm not a racist but Jesus had blue eyes and blond hair and some of my friends are black and goodness gracious me some are up here and very nice folk they are too but you have to understand the commies who were running the townships in South Africa. And South Africa was in danger of those poorer nations coming in and ruining everything. Just look at South Africa today. Crims and losers and all because those pinko commies ruined everything for the black man and the white man. Don't you worry about that."
In answer to a question about banning street marches Joh said "When you got an asp in the shed you chop off its' head. You you pinkos, you commies I knew you were going to ask that. Civil liberties are just a communist plot. But you go to a communist country and you'll see they soon take those away when it suits them. Civil libertarians need a good hiding. A belt buckle. That's what I gave my children and look how well they turned out."
Someone asked a question about Albert Field, the Senate nominee whose appointment against convention led to the fall of the Whitlam government. "Never you mind that. With difficult decisions I like to ask myself what would Joh do or WWJD and I decided I would do anything it took to demolish that gay/lesbian/picko/commie Gough even if it wrecked normal convention. So I found a soft piece of Plasticine and sent it to Canberra. Got gota understand those pinko commies down south. Give them a chance and they'll be off like a bee in a bottle."
"What about the moonlight state, the Fitzgerald commission, and your perjury trial?" Joh answered "You you picko commie, I knew you would ask that. Well it was the thin edge of the wedge. You southerners come up here and tell us how to run our state when we run everything better than Canberra or Sydney. Why do you think retirees come here to retire. You listen to me. You should run everything like we do and you would be better for it."
"Mr Premier what about.." started another question but was interrupted by Joh answering "That's it. No more chicken feed left. All out" That was the last question taken. Madam Conusall thanked us for our attendance. With that the lights came back on and we all shuffled out.
____
Evil Atheist Press
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