Meteorite Debris

144,000 Jewish Male Virgins Shocked and Horrified at Their Role EAP: Aharon Asher had embarked on the epic project of finding and identifying the 144,000 members of the Jewish Male Virgin club. After 10 years of scrolling as many public records and genealogical databases as he and his research staff could, he finally had what he believed was the complete list. The 144,000 are divided up between the 12 tribes of Israel, with 12,000 from each tribe as expected. The ranged in age from 16 years to 106 years. After years of negotiation a convention of the golden 144,000 was organised at Istanbul Park in Istanbul, Turkey, a large venue used to host car races and one of the few venues anywhere in the world large enough to host such an event. All accommodation within a few miles was booked en mass in preparation for the event. Entire plane loads of Jewish male virgins were booked out, complete with prepared kosher meals. The female flight attendants said they felt totally freaked out by s...

Post Mill Pre Trib Congregation Confused By Prank Rapture EAP: Members of a post millennial pre tribulationist evangelical church in Beaufort Street Mt Lawley, a suburb of Perth were pwned by some pranksters of a proactive Perth sceptic society based in Mt Lawley. The evangelical church had been converted from a former brothel after cleaning and destaining before a dedication of the building to the Lord Jesus Christ. The post mill pre trib church elders had prophesied the end of the world at exactly 11.00 am last Tuesday with a rapture. All the church members had taken the day off work or school to pray and worship. Singing and speaking in tongues was clearly audible on Beaufort Street. The group has had serious disagreements with a nearby post millennial post tribulation church in Central Avenue Mt Lawley, almost around the corner. Last year members of the rival evangelical churches ended up exchanging punches over the differences between pre and post tribulation doctrines in a fa...

Melbourne to introduce new Jesus pedestrian lights EAP: In a move to appease a God angry at gay marriage and who is wrecking natural disasters all over the place the Melbourne City Council is to introduce pedestrian crossing lights featuring Jesus instead of the more traditional walking man figure or hand. Just last week Geoff Holmes narrowly missed a falling tree as he was driving along the road. God made a strike at Geoff and his family as they were driving along but missed. Geoff told an EAP corespondent that he was shaken by the experience and is is afraid to open the door in case God decides to return and finish the job he started. As a result of this event and others like it the Melbourne City Council has unveiled its pedestrian light proposals for the public to inspect and comment on. Its preferred model has the red sequence showing a Jesus on a cross with red drops dripping down with the waiting bleeps sounding like a hammer hitting a nail in time with a small ...

This is one I posted to alt.atheism in 2004. EAP: Sydney 25 Nov 2004. 11 year old Petersham schoolgirl Lisa Hemmings isn't as sure footed as she used to be but evangelicals are excited that Lisa's problems may be a sign of things to come. Lisa has episodes of levitating a couple of inches above the ground. "I may be walking along the street when suddenly my foot can not find the path and I am moving my feet through thin air. It's like I'm in space trying to move by waving my arms and legs. It happens when I pray at church. Typically I rise about 1/2 an inch above the pew but kneeling is most comfortable now when my knees do not touch the floor. I can now make myself levitate just by thinking about Jesus". But members of the Petersham Baptist Church where Lisa's family worships have interpreted Lisa's as a subtle prerapture tremor before the big rapture quake. Says Lisa, "The first time it happened I was walking with some friends al...

Another EAP piece I posted to alt. atheism in 2005. EAP. Rome April 9 2005: In spite of a funeral attended by hundreds of thousands and watched by hundreds of million live on TV including 800,000 at one public gathering in Krakow reports are coming in from around the world of sightings of the pontiff in an apparently healthy state and a radiant smile. People walking home from the public funeral gathering reported seeing Pope John Paul in side streets. Reports are that he smiled radiantly and placed his arm over one woman's tear soaked shoulder. The woman who wants to be known only as Anastasica said she simply felt heavenly in his presence and she felt her grief lift. "I am going to put this sweater in a glass case for ever. It has been touched by a saint". In the Giza strip in Tokyo several Japanese Christians reportedly saw the pope. The two girls concerned bowed to him Japanese style. In response the pope smiled and waved his hand. "We were just s...

This is another EAP piece I wrote in 2005 for alt.atheism . Rome April 19 EAP. Following the death of Pope John Paul II several weeks before on April 2 115 cardinals gathered at the Sistine Chapel to create another pope. After the ancient traditional rituals of prayer and chants the conclave set to work. As is normal for this rare and sacred ritual an egg the size of an elephant bird's egg being about 30 cm in length and 20 cm in width was brought in and placed in the middle of the chapel exactly under the part of the ceiling where God's finger touches man's finger in a symbolic act of creation - the act of creating a pope being a microcosm of the act of the creation itself. Initially the egg rolled around in a semicircle and then wobbled back and forth on itself but then the egg sort of lost interest. At this point it is normal for secret rituals to be performed to animate the egg but EAP has been lucky enough to get an inside view of proceedings because f...

This is another from 2005 I posted to alt.atheism . Brisbane April 25 EAP. There was much excitement today as journalists took their seats at the Institute for Afterlife Studies, a body dedicated to sponsoring research into life after death, for what promised to be a spectacular event. It was promised that the late Queensland Premier Joh Bjelke-Petersen would make contact via a clairvoyant. A senor fellow of the institute, Madam Conusall entered the room and took the chair at the guest speaker's table. On the table was a crystal ball covered with a velvet cloth. Madam Conusall started rubbing the ball vigorously. She signaled to an assistant silently to dim the lights. Then to the sudden silence of all present she flung the cloth away. Mouths opened wide as a clear as video image appeared on the crystal ball and which seemingly gave a nod of recognition to some the the journalists present who had known Joh when he was Premier. And then Madam Conusall started to spea...

This is another EAP pieces I posted to alt.atheism in 2005. EAP. Parkes NSW May 25. It was revealed today that the drought in the central west of New South Wales, a wheat farming area, has occurred because Peggy Lightfoot of the central west town of Parkes had prayed to God asking for lots of fine weather for her outdoor netball team. Peggy lives in High Street of the small town and walks the short distance each Sunday with her family to attend St Georges Anglican church. Peggy is a loving 10 year old child who loves her sport and wanted a fine season for practice and playing for herself and her team mates. According to Peggy she decided to try her friend in the sky for help. Peggy explained that when she and her family lived in Russell Street she found it creepy because the cemetery is close by. There was even a funeral director living next door. But in late October 2003 the family put the property at number 8 on the market and moved up to High Street. God had answered...

Man to allow heathens to walk on his back EAP: Adelaide based Kurt Jayne is a pious practicing Christian and he wants to emulate the suffering of Jesus in his life so as to commune with his god. To this end Kurt will lay face down in Rundle Mall, shirtless, with a sign asking non believers to walk over his back. To his thinking if heathens are going to denigrate believers like him then it is incumbent on him to suffer such denigration in the way in which the mocked and abused Jesus did. Kurt wants feel aggrieved when others insult him so that he can find comfort in the grace of the Lord. He says it re-enforces to him that he is an island of light in a the world full of lost doomed souls. Believers will be asked to tend to Kurt's wounds and to comfort him when he cries out "Why have you forsaken me". Kurt showed an EAP corespondent a sandwich board which will also be displayed next to him featuring passages from Isaiah 53. Kurt will welcome even the heels of stilettos...

So what is the "Evil Atheist Press" or the EAP for short? In the newsgroup alt.atheism one regular Elroy Willis coined the concept as a satirical news agency sending up religion in general. He posted regular pieces called "Religion in the News" with stories from the EAP. The EAP might be connected to another concept on alt.atheism called the "Evil Atheist Conspiracy", mocking theist posters with their claims of a conspiracy by heathen godless souls against God. Here is the archive of Elroy Willis' stories of  Religion in the News  series. Sadly Elroy has been long absent from alt.atheism. I always enjoyed his pieces.

This is an old one dating to March 2005. Posted just after the death of atheist comedian Dave Allen. *** EAP. London March 13 2005. Reports from grieving relatives have confirmed the amazing recanting of his life long atheism of deceased comedian Dave Allen. Allen, who grew up with the hell and brimstone Catholicism of devote Ireland, made a career out of denigrating the faith of his childhood and religion in general in comedy sketches and stand up acts, though he was usually sitting down on a stool with a whiskey and cigarette while doing so. He was the first to impersonate the pope on prime time TV and pushed the limits of what was allowed for his time. He was considered a trail blazer among alternative comedians. Now it appears that the faith he made a career out of sending up was finally embraced by the ailing Allen in the last moments. Allen requested that a priest be present to give the last rites. Family members present arranged this and a priest took confes...

Dubai introduces cattle prods to manage airport passengers  EAP: Dubai may be home to the world's tallest phallic analogue but it is also home to one of the busiest international airports in the world. Managing arrivals through customs in a smooth functioning manner is an ongoing challenge. This has been made more difficult by the differnt needs of the various religious creeds represented by airport staff. This has been particularity true of the Sunni Muslim majority and of Hindus. Both Hindus and Muslims have become discontented with the habits of the passengers they have to process through customs.  Said staff worker, Almed al Arsole "I am required to look, talk and handle the passports of pig eaters like Christians and Hindus. Sure, I'm fine with Indians. Pakistanis and Filipinos labouring day and night in unsafe and appalling work conditions to build the magnificent structures of our beautiful cit but to have to interact with them or to have so much as ...

Chimps in zoo go mad after eating an apple EAP: Melbourne. Staff at the Royal Melbourne Zoological gardens routinely vary the diet of their resident animals to add interest to their lives but were taken aback by the reaction of the chimpanzee troop when it was decided to add apples to their diet. The strange events started early last month. In with the daily feed were added apples, a first for this troop but zoo staff were surprised when the chimps refused to sink their teeth into the then unfamiliar fruit. The entire troop surround an apple and started to hallow and shout to it. Eventually one of the more alpha males walked into the circle and carried the offending fruit to a corner of the chimps' enclosure where it could be ignored. Zoo chef Len Cooke was somewhat insulted by the rejection of his cuisine by the chimps. "I have a reputation with quite a few zoos around the world and without putting too fine a point on it if I was running a restaurant I would...

Evangelist to rebuild Tower of Babel EAP: Fresh from his efforts of erecting the Super Tsunami Encounter and the Miracles Museum evangelist Ken Spam, founder of the "Answers in Tea Leaves" web site and formerly of the "Creative Science Foundation" has now announced his next big project as the rebuilding the famous Tower of Babel which he believes was responsible for the proliferation of the many different languages seen in the world today. Linguistic experts at the ATL web site anticipate a new flowering of lingual evolution following the building of the tower. According to Ken when God acts big life responds and shapes up quickly. "Just look at the extremely rapid evolution of kinds into a multitude of families, genera and species following the Noahian flood. So too we expect a 100 or 1000 fold increase in the number of languages following the Tower of Babel 2. The confusion caused will surely help to initiate the second coming and the tribul...

Atheist attacked by the Holy Spirit on way to supermarket EAP: Ella Thompson had never been a believer in God and was always quick to scoff at claims of the supernatural and spiritual experiences by contemporaries. Pius Christians would always offer her prayers, plagued by epileptic fits as she was. She always retorted "Doctors have helped me more than any god". She always claimed that God never seemed able to dispense his blessings without the help of accredited experts here on earth. All that changed on the 29th when proselytising Fred Bork had promised to pray for Ella on that particular day. The initial response from Ella was that she expected to be remarkably unmoved by the experience. On that day Ella was walking to her local supermarket and started shaking uncontrollably, finally collapsing against a wall. Close friend, Freida Hansburg reported she saw a grey ghostly figure grabbing her, throwing her against the wall and held her down so that the more...

I am a long time, though frequently absent poster to the alt.atheism newsgroup ( http://tinyurl.com/4kcmbx7 ) . I am known in RL as Peter Kelly and my assigned Atheist number is #1417 . I have been posting on and off since 1997. In this blog I will archive some of my more notable posts.