Meteorite Debris

EAP: As a result of recent appearances to members of the public a Sydney court today handed down a restraining against the Virgin Mary. Martha Gibbs was driving on a freeway when the Virgin Mary suddenly appeared in the middle land. Martha was forced to take evasive action resulting in a pile up and many injuries for other drivers and their passengers. Bob Fawkes was driving on a country road when the Virgin Mary suddenly appeared in the passenger. The surprise and fright caused Fawkes to veer off the road and roll his car. Bob and Martha were just 2 people who were part of a class action against the Virgin Mary. Ray Velts is another petitioner. As an operator of a construction crane he was distracted by a vision of the Virgin Mary at a crucial moment in a lifting operation causing him to do damage to property and crushing the ribs of another construction worker. The action was brought by people whose lives have been adversely affected by Virgin Mary appearances. Artist Denzil...

EAP: Amid all the stories surround the fire in the 850 year old cathedral in Paris, the Notre Dame Cathedral has come a report of a sighting of Jesus in the flames. An image can be seen here,  https://drive.google.com/open?id=1nreV7c1kzvOmPz4bZpzxphyrVKuzouQE or  http://tinyurl.com/pewr2bv . In an exclusive a deceased EAP reporter secured an interview with Jesus in Heaven about the sighting. Jesus was weighing up his options of how he, with all the superpowers at his disposal in the entire universe, would respond to this disaster. Jesus had first thought of dousing the fire and saving what on earth is one of his many homes. It is what anyone would do if they had the ability. Jesus is reported to have decided that a better impression would be made upon the faithful if he projected a hologram of himself in the flames. Why save your home when you can move people to tears with a horrifying image. "Heaven works like Hollywood. You have to break their hearts. Doing simple...

EAP: Parents and teachers are aghast at the latest extreme stunt by Denis Shorter, a brimstone fundamentalist pastor who takes advantage of compulsory religious scripture class state public schools in New South Wales, offered to church ministers, priests and pastors to take one period a week to instruct children in their particular denominations. The policy has bipartisan political support across the board although it is a sore point for secularists who believe public school is no place for religious mumbo jumbo. The Flamboyant pastor visits a Sydney western suburbs public school and spends his half hour shouting, screaming and gesticulating wildly, so much so that the Catholic class instructed by Father O'Brien next door has on several occasions complained of the volume of his instructive delivery. One technique used by the pastor is to catch the eye of one student during a delivery walk up to that student screaming and shouting, only stopping a few centimeters or an i...

EAP: Committed Christian and spider lover Ian Toopes died tragically in Padstow, New South Wales, today while tending his collection of arachnids. Toopes had taken to heart the idea of "All Creatures Great and Small" and "All Things Bright and Beautiful". His neighbours have told EAP that Toopes viewed a love of nature and a love of animals as being love for God and that our capacity for such love and compassion was evidence for God's existence. He described his collection as "his ministry". It was on Sunday after arriving home from church that he noticed that Archie, his pet funnel web spider appeared lifeless. Instinctively Toopes caressed Archie in the palm of his hand as a mother would caress a sick child. The idea occurred to him that he should try mouth to mouth resuscitation to try to revive the ill arachnid. Toopes was quite unaware that arachnids have an entirely different respiration system to quadruped vertebrates. However the arachnid was...

EAP: Glaciologist Terry Marks suffered a loss in courts against Moon Alliance Insurance who had refused to pay up on a motor vehicle claim after it was established that God was angry enough with him to cause him to drive off the road. The insurance company accessed this to be an "Act of God" on which Moon Alliance had no obligation to pay. "We are not a charity and we will not pay up on a claim if the insured party has an adverse relationship with the Almighty", a company spokesman told EAP today. He continued, "Just as an owner has an obligation to maintain his or her vehicle in a safe condition so too must he mend spiritual bridges with the LORD if the normal functioning of his vehicle is contingent upon this. For example, the best use which can be made of a car is to drive it to church." In the High Court today Judge Pauline Jacks ruled in favour of Moon Alliance Insurance citing precedents involving the "Act of God" clause and that a citize...

EAP: A tragedy occurred at Sydney's Kingsford Smith International Airport when in what appears to have been a failure of security as a monk climbed up from Botany Bay near Brighton le Sands on to the runway jutting into the bay to do battle with the evil ones carrying a bible in one hand and a lance in the other. Air traffic had to be directed to other airports and many flights were cancelled or delayed causing chaos for passengers at Australia's busiest airport. At issue for the Christian, named Ken Clarkson, were attendees at a secular atheist convention. Clarkson had on several occasions interrupted speakers with with horn blowing to, as he said, drive the demons from the room. He had told security staff member, Don Fullam, "The reason trumpets are used in battle and in heaven is because demons hate the noise and will readily depart en mass when horns and trumpets are blown." On several occasions Clarkson was escorted from the convention by security reading from ...