Dubai introduces cattle prods to manage airport passengers
Dubai introduces cattle prods to manage airport passengers
EAP: Dubai may be home to the world's tallest phallic analogue but it is also home to one of the busiest international airports in the world. Managing arrivals through customs in a smooth functioning manner is an ongoing challenge. This has been made more difficult by the differnt needs of the various religious creeds represented by airport staff. This has been particularity true of the Sunni Muslim majority and of Hindus. Both Hindus and Muslims have become discontented with the habits of the passengers they have to process through customs.
Said staff worker, Almed al Arsole "I am required to look, talk and handle the passports of pig eaters like Christians and Hindus. Sure, I'm fine with Indians. Pakistanis and Filipinos labouring day and night in unsafe and appalling work conditions to build the magnificent structures of our beautiful cit but to have to interact with them or to have so much as their shadow fall on my shadow is just an insult to the good prophet and his holy scripture. Just today, a Japanese young woman came through with a miniature soft toy felt pig dangling from her backpack. I forced myself not to vomit all over her passport, but I was dry wrenching right in front of her."
A co-worker Omar Oh Mi Gad said "We want migrant workers to clean our homes but we don't want them to eat at our table. I mean you feed your children before throwing scrapes to the dogs. Just because they build our great air conditioned structures doesn't mean they have any right to expect air conditioned quarters for themselves while here on working visas."
As a result Customs will be streamlining arrivals into different faiths. Entrants must declare themselves to either Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus or Buddhists and will be processed by different customs officers of the appropriate faith. When asked about those without faith a spokesman for the Minister of Immigration said no atheists ever entered Dubai and that is why no provision has been made for them. At the very least only hypocrites have arrived in lieu. The spokesman continued on to say Dubai has a proud history of religious tolerance. We allow citizens and migrant workers alike to practice their choice of officially recognised faiths and we recognise the right of believers to treat others not of their faith in a way consistent with their beliefs. This is why we have streamlined new arrivals at the airport.
A Hindu customs officer Mr Oh So Swarmie said he was happy we would not have to look at arrivals who eat hamburgers and steaks. "Imagine if you are a Christian having to smile and have the time of day for someone who eats cats and dogs as you stamp their passport. Some of those heathens in China do you know."
The Minister's spokesman continued, "Jet travel is no longer the privilege of what used to be called the "jet set" and has become more proletarian. As a result processing travellers has had to become more proletarian. We hired the services of world famous cattle handler Temple Aldrin to help make a facilitiy where travellers will not be distracted by hanging loose objects or strange noises to spook the new arrivals and make the processing of arrivals as humane as possible. Her ability to see the world from the point of view of a cow thanks to her autism has been invalable." However the government has a need to use some means of pacification for unruly travellers. The spokesman indicated that the use of canes by security staff to keep travellers in line had been ruled out. Security staff will instead make use of cattle prods. He said "The use of cattle prods is consistent with the respect we hold for the travelling public in general".
A foreign journalist Mr Oh Migodsky for the MT news agency, an affliate of EAP asked how does government policy hold in a city state without any democracy. The spokesman said, "It is better for business for an autocrat like the Prince to rule with an orb or scepter, or rather a club and cattle prod he joked. If we had a democracy we could end up with a populist like Donald Trump. Much better to have a theocrat for an autocrat to keep fundamentalists in line or else they may become theocrats themselves."
-- Evil Atheist Press
EAP: Dubai may be home to the world's tallest phallic analogue but it is also home to one of the busiest international airports in the world. Managing arrivals through customs in a smooth functioning manner is an ongoing challenge. This has been made more difficult by the differnt needs of the various religious creeds represented by airport staff. This has been particularity true of the Sunni Muslim majority and of Hindus. Both Hindus and Muslims have become discontented with the habits of the passengers they have to process through customs.
Said staff worker, Almed al Arsole "I am required to look, talk and handle the passports of pig eaters like Christians and Hindus. Sure, I'm fine with Indians. Pakistanis and Filipinos labouring day and night in unsafe and appalling work conditions to build the magnificent structures of our beautiful cit but to have to interact with them or to have so much as their shadow fall on my shadow is just an insult to the good prophet and his holy scripture. Just today, a Japanese young woman came through with a miniature soft toy felt pig dangling from her backpack. I forced myself not to vomit all over her passport, but I was dry wrenching right in front of her."
A co-worker Omar Oh Mi Gad said "We want migrant workers to clean our homes but we don't want them to eat at our table. I mean you feed your children before throwing scrapes to the dogs. Just because they build our great air conditioned structures doesn't mean they have any right to expect air conditioned quarters for themselves while here on working visas."
As a result Customs will be streamlining arrivals into different faiths. Entrants must declare themselves to either Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus or Buddhists and will be processed by different customs officers of the appropriate faith. When asked about those without faith a spokesman for the Minister of Immigration said no atheists ever entered Dubai and that is why no provision has been made for them. At the very least only hypocrites have arrived in lieu. The spokesman continued on to say Dubai has a proud history of religious tolerance. We allow citizens and migrant workers alike to practice their choice of officially recognised faiths and we recognise the right of believers to treat others not of their faith in a way consistent with their beliefs. This is why we have streamlined new arrivals at the airport.
A Hindu customs officer Mr Oh So Swarmie said he was happy we would not have to look at arrivals who eat hamburgers and steaks. "Imagine if you are a Christian having to smile and have the time of day for someone who eats cats and dogs as you stamp their passport. Some of those heathens in China do you know."
The Minister's spokesman continued, "Jet travel is no longer the privilege of what used to be called the "jet set" and has become more proletarian. As a result processing travellers has had to become more proletarian. We hired the services of world famous cattle handler Temple Aldrin to help make a facilitiy where travellers will not be distracted by hanging loose objects or strange noises to spook the new arrivals and make the processing of arrivals as humane as possible. Her ability to see the world from the point of view of a cow thanks to her autism has been invalable." However the government has a need to use some means of pacification for unruly travellers. The spokesman indicated that the use of canes by security staff to keep travellers in line had been ruled out. Security staff will instead make use of cattle prods. He said "The use of cattle prods is consistent with the respect we hold for the travelling public in general".
A foreign journalist Mr Oh Migodsky for the MT news agency, an affliate of EAP asked how does government policy hold in a city state without any democracy. The spokesman said, "It is better for business for an autocrat like the Prince to rule with an orb or scepter, or rather a club and cattle prod he joked. If we had a democracy we could end up with a populist like Donald Trump. Much better to have a theocrat for an autocrat to keep fundamentalists in line or else they may become theocrats themselves."
-- Evil Atheist Press
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