Melbourne to introduce new Jesus pedestrian lights


Melbourne to introduce new Jesus pedestrian lights

EAP: In a move to appease a God angry at gay marriage and who is
wrecking natural disasters all over the place the Melbourne City Council
is to introduce pedestrian crossing lights featuring Jesus instead of
the more traditional walking man figure or hand. Just last week Geoff
Holmes narrowly missed a falling tree as he was driving along the road.
God made a strike at Geoff and his family as they were driving along but
missed. Geoff told an EAP corespondent that he was shaken by the
experience and is is afraid to open the door in case God decides to
return and finish the job he started.

As a result of this event and others like it the Melbourne City Council
has unveiled its pedestrian light proposals for the public to inspect
and comment on. Its preferred model has the red sequence showing a Jesus
on a cross with red drops dripping down with the waiting bleeps sounding
like a hammer hitting a nail in time with a small secondary figure
banging a nail on the cross. The green sequence is initiated by a chorus
of "Hallelujah" and the red signal changes to green as the Jesus figure
rises up from the cross and floats up through the top of the signal
image. Said traffic engineer Hal Bishop "it is important that
pedestrians know that Jesus is with them always, looking out for them
always and that he must be praised for God not striking them dead at any
time he feels like it".

In a strange twist the plans had been placed in a locked vault prior to
being put on display but when the vault was opened the plans were
missing. Council employees Mary, Joanna, Salome and the other Mary
mysteriously found the missing plans outside of the vault. They were so
bewildered that they told no one. They see it as a clear sign that God
is working in Mysterious ways.

The Christian public have been receptive to the idea of hearing little
"Hallelujahs" as they walk along the streets of Melbourne. Said Father
Preston", "It's a fine thing for people to have the fear of God put into
them as they cross the street".

Other ideas discussed were of a Noah's flood of rising red (rejected for
possible confusion with other bible genocide stories), Sodom and
Gomorrah shaking (rejected because a shaking image is difficult to focus
on) and the Tower of Babel (rejected as possibly triggering 9-11
memories).

--
Evil Atheist Press

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