Christian dies giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a funnel web spider

EAP: Committed Christian and spider lover Ian Toopes died tragically in Padstow, New South Wales, today while tending his collection of arachnids. Toopes had taken to heart the idea of "All Creatures Great and Small" and "All Things Bright and Beautiful". His neighbours have told EAP that Toopes viewed a love of nature and a love of animals as being love for God and that our capacity for such love and compassion was evidence for God's existence. He described his collection as "his ministry".

It was on Sunday after arriving home from church that he noticed that Archie, his pet funnel web spider appeared lifeless. Instinctively Toopes caressed Archie in the palm of his hand as a mother would caress a sick child. The idea occurred to him that he should try mouth to mouth resuscitation to try to revive the ill arachnid. Toopes was quite unaware that arachnids have an entirely different respiration system to quadruped vertebrates. However the arachnid was not completely lifeless and did not return the kindness shown to him; sinking his fangs deep into Toopes lips and administering a lethal dose of venom. His wife, Martha, described to police and ambulance on the scene the sequence of events she had witnessed in the presence of her late husband. She told EAP that Ian had given his life so that others can be saved. "This is his cross to bare but his reward is in heaven" she said.

It is understood that Toopes ashes will be used to line the floor of the spider enclosures. Mrs Toopes said, "It is what Ian would have wanted".
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Evil Atheist Press, April 2019

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