Impetuous Juvenile Angel Causes Minor Resurrection of the Dead.

EAP: Dismay and confusion reigned in Adelaide on West Terrace today as a young, newly appointed, impulsive angel called Dexus was visiting the West Terrace Cemetery and tried out an impromptu rehearsal of the day of rapture. He will be one of an army of angels manning cemeteries around the world on the big day, signalling the big resurrection finale of history with the sounding of clarion horns. No one knows the date for that information is contained in a sealed scroll. Excited by the prospect of the rapture and his part in it Dexus blew softly into his horn at a barely audible volume. Suddenly the stones of several nearby graves began shifting. The noise of the stones moving open startled other nearby visitors. About 5 or 6 corpses climbed out of the ground and started walking around.

A crowd of people panicked and came running out of the cemetery, even on to the busy roadway. Sargent Geoffrey told EAP that a pile up of 10 vehicles resulted  and that Mrs Eugenie Ford, a cemetery visitor was injured. On being released from hospital she said, "I was visiting a dear departed late friend when suddenly I could hear the stones shifting and these stinking, decayed corpses were coming out. I didn't know if this was a zombie invasion or what so I high tailed it out of there. I didn't even think of looking before running out on to the road."

Other angels soon arrived at the scene to contain the damage and to chasten Dexus. An angelic choir sounded some Barry Manilow songs to lure the prematurely resurrected back into a deep slumber in the knowledge that was was the effect of Barry Manilow songs on living people.

Police at the scene attempted to arrest some of the angels but they made their escape upwards, crossing the main NE approach flight path into Adelaide Airport past an incoming 737. Pilot Colin Holloway tweeted "#WTF" in relation to the event.

Authorities have now reinterred the bodies and replace the stones to normal. Administrators have sent letters to relatives of those departed apologising for the disturbance to the remains of their loved ones.

**
Evil Atheist Press: June 2019

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

EAP: Charon the ferryman loses his job in the Underworld

EAP: 27 Dec 2022; This year ending soon of 2022 will go down as a terrible year so many people will like to forget and following the covid years of 2020 and 2021. Inflation, war, rising fuel prices and empty supermarket selves, On top of that comes the stockmarket crash and fraud and scams starting with the "Crocodile of Wall Street" AKA Razzle Khan through to FTX and Sam Bankman Fried.  One bright spot of good news comes from the other side. The families of their dear departed ones will no longer have to tape a coin to their foreheads to pay the ferryman, Charon, to cross the River Stix. Opening up on the first of January 2023 is a replacement cable stay bridge to allow the deceased to cross the River Stix without the need of the old ferryman.  It has been a couple of tough years for the old ferryman, catching covid numerous times from infected coins, resulting in a number of back logs as thousands of the dear departed had to wait for their ferryman to recover before finishi...
Read more

144,000 Jewish Male Virgins Shocked and Horrified at Their Role

144,000 Jewish Male Virgins Shocked and Horrified at Their Role EAP: Aharon Asher had embarked on the epic project of finding and identifying the 144,000 members of the Jewish Male Virgin club. After 10 years of scrolling as many public records and genealogical databases as he and his research staff could, he finally had what he believed was the complete list. The 144,000 are divided up between the 12 tribes of Israel, with 12,000 from each tribe as expected. The ranged in age from 16 years to 106 years. After years of negotiation a convention of the golden 144,000 was organised at Istanbul Park in Istanbul, Turkey, a large venue used to host car races and one of the few venues anywhere in the world large enough to host such an event. All accommodation within a few miles was booked en mass in preparation for the event. Entire plane loads of Jewish male virgins were booked out, complete with prepared kosher meals. The female flight attendants said they felt totally freaked out by s...
Read more

Dave Allen recanted on his death bed

This is an old one dating to March 2005. Posted just after the death of atheist comedian Dave Allen. *** EAP. London March 13 2005. Reports from grieving relatives have confirmed the amazing recanting of his life long atheism of deceased comedian Dave Allen. Allen, who grew up with the hell and brimstone Catholicism of devote Ireland, made a career out of denigrating the faith of his childhood and religion in general in comedy sketches and stand up acts, though he was usually sitting down on a stool with a whiskey and cigarette while doing so. He was the first to impersonate the pope on prime time TV and pushed the limits of what was allowed for his time. He was considered a trail blazer among alternative comedians. Now it appears that the faith he made a career out of sending up was finally embraced by the ailing Allen in the last moments. Allen requested that a priest be present to give the last rites. Family members present arranged this and a priest took confes...
Read more