Pastor Dan Crankshaw sells church air as a cure for Covid-19

Pastor Dan Crankshaw sells church air as a cure for Covid-19

EAP: May 11 2020, Thanos Valley, Texas. Inspired by the efforts of Kenneth Copeland to combat the Covid-19 coronavirus by blowing his breath over his congregation Pastor Dan Crankshaw has decided to emulate his mentor and brother warrior for the Lord by blowing on his own congregation. Not only that but he has gone one better be deciding to bottle the holy air and selling it to covid-19 infected people.

At the monthly local farmers market Pastor Crankshaw's church, the Jesus Saviours Society, set up a stall selling their bottled air as a cure for Covid-19 coronavirus infections. Said the Pastor Crankshaw, "Being saved by Jesus means you don't have to social distance. Social distancing is only for Satanists. Being bathed in the blood of the lamb is the only vaccination you need. Here we saw an opportunity of selling the actual air inside our church to the public at large. We organised the congregation into coughing and spitting groups to produce the holy air which we then bottle."

When asked how he came up with the idea Crankshaw gave credit to God and Jesus working through him to do his will. "I was in awe, in just absolute awe, of Kenneth Copeland as he was spitting his blessings on to his congregation. This is a man who walks in the light of the glory of the LORD God." When pressed on claims he was selling snake oil and scamming members of the public he maintained the difference was one of "public service". He said, "The difference between scammers and ourselves is the value of public service. We are delivering a public service and scammers are only appealing to selfish motives. Since the motives of the good people of our congregation are altruistic then that is proof Jesus is the driving force of our efforts. Non-Christians are incapable of altruism."

Meanwhile another Church in Thanos has applied for a local permit to fit a giant fan to the top of its church to expel the hot air. Reverend Alan Moores of the Holy Orb Church has submitted the plans for approval. Neighbours however are likely to object on the basis of noise abatement. Acoustic engineers have estimated that the noise level of the proposed fan will be 100 decibels. One neighbour,  Georgia Whitmore, spoke to EAP, "This is an issue of both noise and a public health risk, contrary to what the church says about its hot air. A bit like the teachings of the church generally. I absolutely do not want the church screaming its message at me or its hot air from covid-19 infected god booters who refuse to social distance."

***
May 2020
Evil Atheist Press

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