Woman charged over the suspicious death of Jesus

Woman charged over the suspicious death of Jesus

EAP: May 4 2020, Beadle City. A woman has been charged in connection with the suspicious death of Jesus after an impromptu interview in her car as she was driving away following a church service by DNN.

The woman, Mary Oliver, 46 of nearby Beadle Fields, was asked by the TV news team if she was afraid of of catching Covid-19 coronavirus by attending a mega church service at a time of social distancing. Oliver was adamant that she was safe and had no fear of getting sick. She said, "I am covered in the blood of Jesus". She further admitted to going to a hardware store to "buy stuff".

Following the short interview police in Beadle City started receiving phone calls reporting that Mary Oliver admitted to being covered in the blood of Jesus. Sargent John Hopkins confirmed that his homicide department was making inquiries. He said, "Being covered in the blood of someone who died violently is a very good indicator that they may be responsible for that death. It is important we investigate these reports. It is also telling that the woman had visited a hardware store. Jesus is said to have been crucified on a cross made of wood. It would be necessary that in preparation for such a Crucifixion that a visit to a hardware store would be in order.

Four days after the police investigation, Mrs Mary Oliver was arrested on a charge of homicide and released on bail to appear at a latter date before Judge Torquemada to answer the charges.

Fellow congregants have denied the charges. "It's a fit up by Satanists", said one elderly gentleman coughing and splattering with an apparent fever as he told an EAP reporter. Unfortunately the reporter terminated the interview quickly in a bit of a panic without gaining any further details. Said Mrs Heidi Marden, "The coronavirus is being used as an opportunity to close down God's Law in this beautiful Christian country and expose our daughters to moral danger. It's a disgrace. I'd like to breathe coronavirus all over these Satanists."

Mary Oliver is likely to appear in court in about 6 months.

***
Evil Atheist Press, May 2020

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