Meteorite Debris

EAP: The LORD and master of the entire universe, God, brought all his fury and might to bare upon the destruction of a bacterial colony on the planet Kluxorz deep in the Triangulum Galaxy, orbiting around a middle age star half way between the core and outer arms. It is believed that the colony was not following precisely the prescripts as dictated by God and were freely choosing other life paths, other than godly approved ones. They had exchanged genes with strains of other bacteria, contrary to what God wanted. God wanted the colony to multiply but definitely not by combining genes with certain other colonies. God felt grossly insulted, snubbed, mocked and shunned and decided that punishment was in order. Thus resolved, the Almighty's will, now focused entirely on the recalcitrant bacterial colony and, no energy left over to guide the planets in their motions, planetary motion everywhere in the universe halted for a few seconds. It was as if time stood still while the Almighty ...

EAP: Saturday 50 kilometres outside Milan a formerly practicing veterinarian, Marco Bonatti died tragically while on a religious pilgrimage between his home town of Milan and St Peters Cathedral in Rome. His pilgrimage came to its premature end when he failed to move fast enough over a rail level crossing, succumbing to an approaching frecciarossa train travelling a great speed. Driver Angelo Santi said; "It was horrible. It's always the nightmare of drivers to have something like this happen. He was just laying there stretching out it looked like. You just can not pull up a train in that short distance so I just had to witness the impact. The thud keep playing over in my head" Witnesses waiting at the crossing told the police he was just stretching his way over the lines and when the klaxons sounded he didn't take action to get out of harms way but continued on. "I don't know if it was suicide or some bizarre cult practice. He was wearing a monk's robe. ...

EAP: The minister of the Eastboro Church, Fred Heaps, and his congregation have determined that God requires them to minister to dead gays and trans people post burial. Not for them the disrespect for the dear departed during a burial service of the more infamous Westboro Church who were known for taunting surviving relatives and picketing funerals. Said Mr Heaps, "While Westboro may have put the 'fun' into 'funeral' with their recreational harassment, we will be putting the 'fun' into 'fundamentalist' principles of witnessing to sinners in the name of our LORD and Saviour, Jesus Christ, in a way which will be more respectful for the families concerned. We have no issue with surviving relatives, only their fallen loved ones". He continued, "Rather the Eastboro Church plans to exhume the dead, lift them out of their coffins and help them into a conversion chair, built for the purpose, preached to, and then to baptise in a full size tank o...

EAP: Appalachian Snake Handler Travels to "Snake Island" Brazil EAP: Tex Byrnes, a preacher from the Appalachian region who has handled many thousands of snakes over the years decided to follow what he believed was God's voice to embark on the ultimate snake handling challenge. Byrnes caught a flight to Brazil to visit the infamous "Snake Island" more properly called "Ilha da Queimada". It is illegal to visit the island because of its huge concentration of poisonous snakes. Tex told an EAP reporter prior to departure that it is proper, indeed moral, to break the laws of mankind where these conflict with God's laws. He took seriously the teaching of Mark 16:17-18 which tells Christians that they shall take up serpents and they will not be harmed and of Luke 10:19 that they can tread on snakes and scorpions. Tex was inspired by John Chau who visited North Sentinel Island in the Andaman and Nicobar island group. He believed that to m...

144,000 Jewish Male Virgins Shocked and Horrified at Their Role EAP: Aharon Asher had embarked on the epic project of finding and identifying the 144,000 members of the Jewish Male Virgin club. After 10 years of scrolling as many public records and genealogical databases as he and his research staff could, he finally had what he believed was the complete list. The 144,000 are divided up between the 12 tribes of Israel, with 12,000 from each tribe as expected. The ranged in age from 16 years to 106 years. After years of negotiation a convention of the golden 144,000 was organised at Istanbul Park in Istanbul, Turkey, a large venue used to host car races and one of the few venues anywhere in the world large enough to host such an event. All accommodation within a few miles was booked en mass in preparation for the event. Entire plane loads of Jewish male virgins were booked out, complete with prepared kosher meals. The female flight attendants said they felt totally freaked out by s...

Post Mill Pre Trib Congregation Confused By Prank Rapture EAP: Members of a post millennial pre tribulationist evangelical church in Beaufort Street Mt Lawley, a suburb of Perth were pwned by some pranksters of a proactive Perth sceptic society based in Mt Lawley. The evangelical church had been converted from a former brothel after cleaning and destaining before a dedication of the building to the Lord Jesus Christ. The post mill pre trib church elders had prophesied the end of the world at exactly 11.00 am last Tuesday with a rapture. All the church members had taken the day off work or school to pray and worship. Singing and speaking in tongues was clearly audible on Beaufort Street. The group has had serious disagreements with a nearby post millennial post tribulation church in Central Avenue Mt Lawley, almost around the corner. Last year members of the rival evangelical churches ended up exchanging punches over the differences between pre and post tribulation doctrines in a fa...

Melbourne to introduce new Jesus pedestrian lights EAP: In a move to appease a God angry at gay marriage and who is wrecking natural disasters all over the place the Melbourne City Council is to introduce pedestrian crossing lights featuring Jesus instead of the more traditional walking man figure or hand. Just last week Geoff Holmes narrowly missed a falling tree as he was driving along the road. God made a strike at Geoff and his family as they were driving along but missed. Geoff told an EAP corespondent that he was shaken by the experience and is is afraid to open the door in case God decides to return and finish the job he started. As a result of this event and others like it the Melbourne City Council has unveiled its pedestrian light proposals for the public to inspect and comment on. Its preferred model has the red sequence showing a Jesus on a cross with red drops dripping down with the waiting bleeps sounding like a hammer hitting a nail in time with a small ...