Meteorite Debris

 EAP: Black Valley Vic, Aust. To the list of detritus of collateral damage wrecked by the worldwide pandemic of Covid-19 has been added the children's outreach program run by the St Christopher Parish of the Roman Catholic Church. Already hit hard by thinning pew numbers before the pandemic and further hit by the necessary removal of 2 in 3 pews to meet with mandated social distancing regulations the parish clergy now find themselves unable to interact with the young in their outreach program and unable to tend to their pastoral needs. Father Brian Fitzerrol told an EAP reporter, "Social distancing means we can not interact with children in the way clergy traditionally have done. Zoom is not the same spiritual experience. It's has to be a hands on experience in order to win children to Christ. I know a lot about children's ministry because of my experience of being transferred more than 20 times between different parishes in the course of my vocation doing this work fo...

Train Surfer for Jesus Dies a Grisly Death EAP: Sydney Australia. Mark Wells, a born again missionary for Jesus, died on Monday in a bizarre accident loosely connected with his interest in witnessing for Christ. Wells was an avid train surfer and believed one way of turning the youth to Jesus was through high risk past times of the sort which had caused him problems in his youth. Ted Holmes, the former parole officer for Mark Wells told EAP that Mark had been in trouble with drugs and petty crimes in his youth. He had had an attraction to high risk activity. He said "Mark was always an adrenaline junkie and that obsession always brought on the wrong side of the law from razor wire tightrope walking, base jumping, driving offences, drugs and alcohol. However in his only stint in prison he found Jesus and connected with his message. He was inspired to spread the gospel to troubled under privileged people like himself." A fellow witness to the homeless youth of Sydney, Bri...

Exorcist Arrested Trying to Exorcise Grounded Airplanes.  EAP: A priest, Father Bernard Anura-Homme, has been arrested by the Australian Federal Police (AFP) after being spotted wandering on the tarmac of Kingsford Smith Airport in Mascot, Sydney. Police picked up a man dressed in a wet suit and breathing gear waving around a crucifix and bible in front of a grounded plane.  The man identified himself as Father Bernard Anuri-Homme, Dean of St Marks Theological College  in Sydney, where he is head of the School of Exorcism. Sargent Gordon Chambers addressed a news conference. The statement by the Sargent followed thus. "Father Bernard Anuri Homme has told the police that after learning about Kenneth Copeland not being being able to fly in a 'tube of demons' that even though the good pastor had not been ordained in the name of God under the Bishop of Rome. that he had come across an infestation of evil hiding in the world's air fleet in the form of a build up of ...

Pastor Dan Crankshaw sells church air as a cure for Covid-19 EAP: May 11 2020, Thanos Valley, Texas. Inspired by the efforts of Kenneth Copeland to combat the Covid-19 coronavirus by blowing his breath over his congregation Pastor Dan Crankshaw has decided to emulate his mentor and brother warrior for the Lord by blowing on his own congregation. Not only that but he has gone one better be deciding to bottle the holy air and selling it to covid-19 infected people. At the monthly local farmers market Pastor Crankshaw's church, the Jesus Saviours Society, set up a stall selling their bottled air as a cure for Covid-19 coronavirus infections. Said the Pastor Crankshaw, "Being saved by Jesus means you don't have to social distance. Social distancing is only for Satanists. Being bathed in the blood of the lamb is the only vaccination you need. Here we saw an opportunity of selling the actual air inside our church to the public at large. We organised the congregation into cou...

Woman charged over the suspicious death of Jesus EAP: May 4 2020, Beadle City. A woman has been charged in connection with the suspicious death of Jesus after an impromptu interview in her car as she was driving away following a church service by DNN. The woman, Mary Oliver, 46 of nearby Beadle Fields, was asked by the TV news team if she was afraid of of catching Covid-19 coronavirus by attending a mega church service at a time of social distancing. Oliver was adamant that she was safe and had no fear of getting sick. She said, "I am covered in the blood of Jesus". She further admitted to going to a hardware store to "buy stuff". Following the short interview police in Beadle City started receiving phone calls reporting that Mary Oliver admitted to being covered in the blood of Jesus. Sargent John Hopkins confirmed that his homicide department was making inquiries. He said, "Being covered in the blood of someone who died violently is a very good indicato...

Joe Biden magically disappears EAP: Thanatos Falls, Arizona. Pastor Robert Vie has enthused his congregation with news of a modern miracle here in 21st century America, the land of the brave and the free. It seems that presidential hopeful has disappeared without a trace. "God has taken up brother Joe into his bosom as he took up Elijah and Elisha, by plucking him up from real life and elevating him up to his father who art in heaven", Robert told his flock. One member of the flock told reporters, "It's good to see God moving in mysterious ways. We don't know quite why God requires Joe's presence at this time. It must be his mammoth brains trust that  God requires of Joe at this time". Another flock member said, "At this time of emergency of something like the 1918 Spanish Flu and the Great Depression all rolled into one, it is good to see that Joe Biden is out of the way and not bringing any influence which could bare on God's plans for hum...

EAP: Southville South Australia. Father Decca Smith of the Southville St Mary's Anglican Church believes that God is revealing himself through the Covid-19 coronavirus and by so doing is teaching his flock all about logarithm and to show us how exponential growth works in concrete ways. He has seized the opportunity afforded by the public health emergency to teach both maths and God's love in the local parish school where he teaches. He came to this conclusion after a parent asked him "What sort of a god would send coronavirus on to good people?" Puzzled and troubled by this question Father Decca prayed all day for answers. He told EAP that the answer came to him late in an evening. He said, "With the blessing of the good lord I realised that the most important we can do for our children is education, but much of what children learn is disconnected from the real world. Maths is one such area in which it is hard for some children to grasp in a concrete way. It...